Wednesday 22nd September - oh my goodness: shits about to get real !!

 Last night I got about 3 hours sleep.   

MY HEAD WAS RACING.  

I SOBBED.  I WANTED MY MOM.  

I got up and showered, and whilst catching sight of myself in the full length mirror, I observed that Titty looked a bit red.  She also felt warmer than normal.   I asked Val to have a look and yes I wasn't seeing things.   It was also starting to get a bit more dimply than normal, or as I came to see it later, "pitted".  

Pitted Titty

I took my 2 steroids, my 2 omeprazole, my anti sickness.   I still felt rough, however I managed to do an online meeting on Zoom at 10.30 which took my mind off how I was feeling, for a whole hour.   

I came home to pick up some more clothes as I'd only taken an overnight bag.   I spotted my neighbour in the garden, and it was sunny, so I popped down to eat my lunch.   I took 2 slices of toast and a cup of tea with me.   After about an hour, maybe less, I returned home, during which time I felt worse and worse.  I vomited after eating toast with jam and another with peanut butter.  I actually felt a bit less nauseas after throwing up.   

Val was telling me I could stay as long as I was wanted; my head however was saying she was being polite.   Thankfully, I ignored my head and returned to Val's a couple of hours later.   

I chatted to Val about throwing up and how I was feeling and I rang the chemo unit to chat to them to see if this was what I should be expecting.   In the meeting with Chris the nurse the Friday before she'd said I probably wouldn't notice anything until day 5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  soooooooooo notttttttttttttttt trueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 

I was tearful on off and worse was yet to come.........

Throughout the night, MY HEAD WAS RACING.  

I SOBBED.  I WANTED MY MOM... 

I WAS STOPPING CHEMO

I WAS ONLY DOING IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE

I'D BE QUITE HAPPY TO LEAVE THE WORLD

VISIONS OF STRANGLING PEOPLE

VISIONS OF GLASS FALLING OUT OF WINDOW AND INTO SOMEONE NECK

VISIONS OF FAMILY BEING TOLD I WAS GONE 

 MY HEAD WAS RACING.  

I SOBBED.  I WANTED MY MOM... 

I WAS STOPPING CHEMO

I WAS ONLY DOING IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE

I'D BE QUITE HAPPY TO LEAVE THE WORLD

VISIONS OF STRANGLING PEOPLE

VISIONS OF GLASS FALLING OUT OF WINDOW AND INTO SOMEONE NECK

VISIONS OF FAMILY BEING TOLD I WAS GONE 

MY HEAD WAS RACING.  

I SOBBED.  I WANTED MY MOM... 

I WAS STOPPING CHEMO

I WAS ONLY DOING IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE

I'D BE QUITE HAPPY TO LEAVE THE WORLD

VISIONS OF STRANGLING PEOPLE

VISIONS OF GLASS FALLING OUT OF WINDOW AND INTO SOMEONE NECK

VISIONS OF FAMILY BEING TOLD I WAS GONE 

All night this continued.    Why the fuck I didn't go wake Val up and tell her and ask her to help???????????     WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

  

Love Titty and Tracey