I spent last night watching some mindless television - MAFSUK - that's Married at First Sight UK. I like people watching and observing behaviour so .... I went to bed at a reasonable time I think and was listening to a podcast (n food addiction and recovery) and the speaker Jillian was discussing how abstinence alone isn't recovery, it's about reconnecting with self, being in your body. Why was I was drawn to that podcast? Because that's where I find myself at the moment. Eating sweet sugary or carby stuff and numbing out. This isn't new behaviour. My issues with wanting to numb out go back years and years.
Addiction = insane behaviour. I would say it's insane to keep eating shit food night after night when I am just about to start my cancer treatment. A sane person would just be able to act on the thoughts of "mmm this is not good for my body" I'll stop and eat something healthy like fruit. I'll get my body strong to give myself a chance. But for me, I am using the food to stay disconnected from my body because I'll have to REALLY face what's going on. It's possible that food will kill me even if the cancer doesn't. And that's not dramatic to say that. It's a reality, one that's in my head. It's not a reality I feel.... or do I? Is this inability to sleep about not letting go? If I fall asleep I might not wake up. I did a blog back in 2013 about compulsive eating .... and here I am 8 years later..... (https://refinedcarbbandit.blogspot.com/2013/01/introduction-to-my-compulsive-eating.html).
Looking back, I've always been drawn to television programmes where I could lose myself in the fantay lives of others including LA Law where I was obcessed with Grace the blonde bob haired lawyer with unique eyes, Ally McBeal, Neighbours, Home n Away, Little House on the Prairy and The Waltons.
I really do believe that the cancer is a message for me from the universe to say "enough". Enough with avoiding yourself, enough pushing your chronically fatigued body so far that your whole body is stiff after a day at work, enough of this poor nutrition, enough of giving your energy to things outside of yourself, enough enough enough.
My body wants some energy for itself. It wants me to spend time loving it, nurturing it, letting it rest, giving it relevant exercise, letting is laugh until tears come, meditation and yoga. It's screaming at me so loudly and I keep just stuffing the screams down with more food. I sit here now, 4.11 am and I want to go eat all the kit kats in the fridge rather than sit here, feeling uncomfortable, and expressing how I feel.
I'm also obcessing about my scar tonight because it feels tight. The scar comes from the armpit, down Titty and round the Titty's nipple. Where Titty is being held together by the scar is where it feels strangely tight. I feel the need to support it. It feels like the weight of Titty is pulling it down. Again, probably hasn't changed and it's my head looking for things to give attention to.
So, I shall go back to bed now and try to sleep. I shall pop my bra back on to give me some support. That small task will ease my mind.
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