Been in bed about an hour and I'm just lying there wide awake projecting about the future. Which isn't helpful. And the projection is negative. I've had a nice enough day. I had a Reiki session locally, my first for a few years. I've had a few co-incidences or as I like to call them God incidences ....
- firstly, the Reiki lady turned out to be the one I had a few years ago... I couldn't find her details as it had been so long to re book so I booked someone via recommendation after asking on my local Fakebook group and I got a lovely surprise to see her standing there when I went to the address.
- second I pulled a card this morning (archangel Michael - crystal clear intentions "Be clear about what you desire, and focus upon it with unwavering faith") and when he's nearby you'll see colbat blue sparkles with tinges of royal purple. Well, during my Reiki, as my face was being hovered over I saw the colour purple ...
- During the Reiki energy was blocked around my knees..... now my lovely knees have struggled over the past few years, not with walking, but with things like kicking a football around with the boys, being in goal and my feet feeling like they're stuck to the floor, climbing steps. Also i'd had a series of falls over a period of 15 years (bizarely starting after I stopped drinking). I felt that there was some kind of "block" to me doing these things, I'd also convinced myself it was MS or Parkinsons because of the lack of strength in the knees and the falls. But alas, it turns out after investigation it is FND - a neurological disorder that can cause all sorts of symptoms and can be triggered by trauma. Anyway, that was a load of information that probably isn't needed... needless to say my knees were worked on today.
- I also pulled a card whilst with Reiki lady and it was about letting go. One of the reasons I waned the Reiki was to get some healing and focusing on letting go and just being. The Reiki lady also pulled a card for me and that was about self belief which led to a discussion about my creative endeavours and how I struggled to push it to the next level.
- The final God incidence was when discussing my creative stuff, I mentioned that myself and someone else were starting to work together on a project .... to which Reiki lady replied she too was working on a community project and would be looking to involve creative people.
This all blew my mind a bit today. It also energised me. So much so, I left the session and saw a park opposite and went to swing for a bit. I've also been weeding my garden which has exploded through lack of attention as I just haven't been that interested as I normally am. I'd normally go in for hours, but it's short bursts at the moment. It's not helped by the fact that I get fucking bitten every time I go out there.
I decided to be pro active and prepare myself for the change in income on 23rd September. My occupational sickness pay has reduced from half now to zero so I will get the fabulous sum of £413 SSP. This does strike fear into me as that will be consumed by my rent alone. I do receive currently about £100 in universal credit because I was working 21 hours so this was a top up. And then we got the extra £20 per week and do you know what, IT DID AND DOES make a big difference. It's the difference between not having to worry about running out of money for food or gas/elec or petrol. It's that simple. The extra £80 per made has given me a feeling of security. And that is stopping for me and thousands of others after 8th October (i have written to my MP, daddy's wife but it won't make a scrap of difference).
We've all heard of people on benefits being slated sometimes as lazy and having an easy life blah blah blah. So let me share my experience before I got my current job. I received the sum of £617 per month for EVERYTHING - rent of £360 then, council tax was reduced to about £30 per month, and all the other bills were the same, no reductions. And every month my direct debits bounced because I couldn't pay them. So when I got my job for 21 hours a week and a £100 top up from UC (per month) the absolute relief at being able to pay all my bills was immense. I still had fuck all to do nice things with that involved spending money, but I was grateful for just paying the bills. I told myself I had gone from £617 to nearly £850 per month so there was a good chance at some point, I could increase from the £850 per month. But not at the moment. Instead I've been filling in the benefit calculation on the Macmillan website to see if I can get any extra financial assistance. I will speak to a human tomorrow at Macmillan as they have experts in that area. I have to say a huge THANK YOU to MacMillan. They have been fabulously supportive to me and no doubt millions of others. I have been able to ring breast cancer nurses when I don't want to ring the hospital, I have been able to get emotional support from them when I don't want to talk to family or friends. And they have already guided me with finances. They are just there day after day, until 8 pm.
And then nighttime falls, as does my mood. And I'm sitting at computer crying again because I'd been to the toilet and I noticed a bit of bright red blood floating around my stools - INSTANT PANIC. Not only that, when I blew my nose I was wiping out bits of blood. OH DEAR GOD that's it i'm done for is what my mind said and I just cried. Now the reality is I have a couple of piles !!! and if they burst when one is pooing, then fresh red blood may appear on the bog roll or in the loo. My head just went. I suppose the truth is I'm feeling quite lonely at night at the moment. I want company but I don't know whose company I want. Infact sometimes, I think just a dog will be more than enough !! I also have my car in the garage and I have 9 am appointment in the morning. I had arranged for a lift but a friend is unable to do it. Did I ring and ask anyone else? NO. I'll go on the bus. The bloody bus gets in 40 minutes before appointment. But that's ok. As I'm going to the Porters Lodge tomorrow !!! to a department near it so it'll be an opportunity to kill time.
This evening I also watched one episode of Married at first sight UK followed by 2 episodes of "Mary Kills People" !!!!! Mary is a trusted doctor working in a hospital in America and she does end of life care for $10,000 privately !!! Don't think I'll do any more of that series (laughing to myself here).
So, all in all, an interesting day of highs and lows, tears and blood, chocolate and swings.
Tomorrow it's hospital for 9 am for 2 appointments and then day is mine. I have creative endeavours to be cracking on with
I'm going to end on a positive note with some gratitude. Top of my list is always that I haven't had a drink today. For the NHS care and support I'm receiving and the EXCELLENT PROGNOSIS they have given me! Also for the NHS care and support that my step dad has been and is receiving for his pneumonia. For the Reiki received today (which was a gift from a dear friend), the food I have eaten and that I have in my cupboards and fridge and freezer, the credit on my gas/elec meter giving me light, the water in my taps, this slow frustrating computer that I sometimes want to smash up when it crashes containing hundred and hundreds of photographs I have taken, for my overgrown garden, freshly picked raspberries from my own bushes added to the freezer, my neighbour putting my bin out, for feeling safe and securie in my flat. For my family and friends. And for the cows. I haven't seen them today, but I know they are there !!!!! Enjoy my cow below.
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