By Friday 18th June, I rang Val and asked if I could go over. I was emotional and driving myself nuts because I wanted the cancer taking out on the date that was originally offered to me, 16th July. So I rang the Breast Clinic and spoke to Jackie. I said to her I didn't want the breast reduction and could I have the operation on the 16th?
We talked and Jackie said she said I sounded uncertain still, and maybe there was part of me that was? Or more likely I didn't like to say "no this is what I've decided". The words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I think it was that feeling of "they know better than I do" because they're nurses" and I shouldn't bother them. This thought frustrated me as I heard myself agreeing with Jackie, OK I'll wait the week and go the therapy appointment to see scars of breasts that had gone before me!
I couldn't rest though. I knew I wanted to ring Jackie back so I went to see Val. I rang it past her how I felt. I was stressed, anxious but also knew my own mind. Val suggested I ring the Macmillan nurse helpline and I spoke to a very gentle, quietly spoken nurse explaining how I felt. I asked was it unreasonable of me to ring the Breast Clinic again and said "I really have made my decision". The nurse said no, it was not unreasonable and I should ring them back and explain how I felt. I felt like I'd been given permission to ring back.
I'd expected to get the answer phone as it was nearing 4.30 pm. However, I got Jackie again and just said I'd thought some more and I really did not want a breast reduction and could I please be put on the surgery date 16th July. I was obsessed with getting that date. Jackie explained she would check if there were any slots left on that date, but there had been other clinics in both Burton and Derby so it was unlikely there'd be any slots left. I thanked her and felt so much better for having said what I wanted to say.
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