Titty was still red I observed, even more so.
I was feeling generally VERY unwell mentally physically emotionally. Poor Val ate her breakfast through my sobs and she just gently held my hand, took my head to her to try to comfort me. I had a couple of slurps of my protein shake and half a slice of toast but I really struggled to get it down me.
I rang the chemo line early and told them what was going on through tears and sobs. I told them about Titty. I told them about the night I had had. I was to stop the steroids immediately. I was to ring the breast clinic about Titty and ask them to have a look at it. During this time, my armpit was still heavy and uncomfortable. The breast clinic were amazing as usual; they asked if I could get up there and yes I could.
I asked a friend Lady K of Winshill !! who very kindly took me up to the clinic. I was taken straight through to a room to have Titty examined as one thing I've observed is that they hospital don't want you hanging around waiting rooms due to immune system being lowered. Anyway, Sister said it looked red and was probably just settling down. She did though ask Goddess Carmichael to come in and take a look, and a feel and she said it was a bit warm, and to be on the safe side, she would prescribe antibiotics. So i trotted off with my prescription off to Carlton Pharmacy. I was probably a pathetic figure of a woman this day. I certainly felt it. Lady K returned me home to Palace du Val where I started popping the first antibiotic.
Dear God did these antibiotics smell and taste bad. More gagging as it went into my mouth. Felt soooo sorrry for myself. I just don't do well with being ill.
I'm not sure how the day passed, but it did with Val there, reassuring and solid.
I went to bed at 7.30 pm, having had a small bowl of cornflakes with some banana.
Feeling fearful again for my mom and Les. What is the fear/fears? The fear is that I will feel like this for the whole 6 months. I want my mom's hug sooo badly and it came to mind that actually this is my 3 year old self in hospital having a heart operation in 1971 screaming for my mom who at that time wouldn't have been able to stay overnight as we do now. I feel sad for Les as he's been in hospital now for 2.5 weeks, and we can't visit. I pray he comes out of the hospital and doesn't die in there. I can't get thoughts out of my head about the boys being told I'm dead. I sob at the thought of it. I see their faces. I cry again now at seeing their faces.
My head is still racing with thoughts o death, one being pulled off someone whilst I'm trying to strangle them, the window breaking and a piece of glass falling below into someone's neck. Very very disturbing and frightening. Also visions of Les coming home, delivered by un masked ambulance drivers. He got up and then jumped like a monkey onto mom and then screamed like an animal. Me and Mom looked at each other. Then it turned out it wasn't Les, but Martin!!! All whilst this was doing on, mom's paste table was out on the pavement with stuff on it. And finally, I was driving my car and I couldn't move to steer it when it was just about to crash. Woooooaaaaaaaaaaaohhhhhh.
8.15 pm not asleep, clearly, had some lucozade and a pack of plain crisps.
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