Monday 27th September 2021

 I left Palace du Val and returned home to Tutbury.   I was a bit nervous but it felt right.   

Janice came to visit late in the day and we ordered pizza in and watched The Starling, a beautiful film about a child dying and the reaction of both parents, and the part a starling played.   Two of my fave actors as well Melissa McCarthy and Chris O'Dowd.   As time ticked by, I didn't want Janice to leave as I'd be on my own.  I was still anxious about not being able to get to sleep.    

And indeed, I couldn't get to sleep.  So I got up and wrote : 

My fear is I won't wake up if I go to sleep             

The reality is if that happens, I'll know fuck all about it !!!  and my perceived torture will be over! 

My fear about the boys being told I'm dead 

The reality is those are my 11 year old's feelings being projected onto them.  I don't want them to feel pain.  

More reality is they're young men, grounded and loved and supported by a wonderful mother.  They will cope.  I can't prevent anyone's painful or uncomfortable  feelings and to even try to do so is selfish, and also will not help anyone in the long run. 

My fear about being ill in the night 

The reality is if I feel emotionally unwell or scared, I can ring the EAP HELPLINE, THE SAMARITANS.

If I feel physically unwell I can ring the 24hour chemo helpline or 999. 

I DO NOT HAVE TO BE SCARED OR FEARFUL.  HELP IS THERE.   HELP IS ALWAYS THERE IF I JUST REACH OUT FOR IT. 

Writing this out helped enormously.   There is nothing to fear.   It's all manufactured in my head and by my inability to feel those pesky uncomfortable and sometimes painful feelings.   Well, the last week I have felt those feelings, I have sat through those feelings without numbing them with alcohol or food or spending or internet or ...... .   

I got through this time with Val who is an example of someone at peace.  Someone who has a routine, someone who isn't fearful about being alone, someone who doesn't rush through what she is doing, someone who is enjoying her minutes, hours and days as they happen.   She is in the moment.   

Also having a hand in this was the Universe.  This was my moment in time to feel and experience all of this.   

Love Titty and Tracey