This morning I felt still as racey in the head and still unable to stop sobbing. Spoke to Mom on phone, then Sue @ chemo unit who was understanding and reassuring.
I had my first therapy session today which came from a referral from MacMillan team. They refer you to BUPA (or you can self refer) and then BUPA farm it out to psychotherapists. So, she rang me as arranged at 9 am. It was an interesting session that I could barely hold up my head to do sobbing frequently. I have to admit I didn't much appreciate what she was saying to me .... probably because it was the truth !!! Words such as gratitude and catastrophising. How very dare she. And to top it all, she fecking typed the whole way through the session. Hmmmm. I knew deep down, she was right in what she was saying. I was just so distraught and that's ok.
6 pm had a chicken casserole meal and feel on edge again now, projecting, feeling shaky and worried about going to sleep. Val told Alexa to put on some music and we sat quietly just listening to it. In that moment I felt a little peace.
1.45 am I was awake and thought i'd listen to a podcast about lymphoedema, not because I'm a masochist but because the other breast cancer podcasts had been really helpful. This one wasn't though. Dear God it was a horror story. I suspect I am just more squeamish and just can't deal with the facts that the lady was divulging. In a nutshell, she talked about fluid in her arms and fingers coming out of her fingers. I switched off and tried to sleep again.
Saturday 25th September
8 am ish I rose and felt like I had been run over by a bus. I felt heavy. The opposite of what I've been feeling. My arm is tighter and that tightness has moved past the elbow.
Rang Rosemary and was crying own the phone. I did manage to ask her how she was and she was reluctant to tell me her cousin had died of cancer ... she refused to give me details !!! and her best friend's husband was dying also and was in his last few days. I thought one's pain is over, and the other's is ending.
Realistically, this is day 4 after chemo. Nurse Chris said at day 5 there might be a drop in mood due to steroids. Chris also said I may not experience any symptoms initially .... mmmm yes Chris, not quite so for me.
My energy and the heavy feeling didn't remain low all day. Infact Val and I did a walk around the Hall Grounds, then sat outside for a while. When we returned inside, we did a meditation. I also 3 meals this day (hurray!!), drank loadsss of water and watched Strictly Come Dancing.
between 4 and 5 pm I started craving sugar/carbs. I realised what Val had been saying to me for a few days.... in my wisdom I hadn't eaten any bad sugars for days so my poor body was in withdrawal as well as being poisoned and having a bad reaction to the steroids. DOH!! My poor body didn't know what the hell was going on. I couldn't eat earlier in the week due to nausea, so my blood sugar would've been lower but I've eaten today in small portions. Made a sandwich and ate it in two sittings. Then had another of Val's Wiltshire Farm Foods ... sweet n sour chicken which I managed to eat most of .
Tonight, I also had my first bit of chocolate in days ... and I didn't really enjoy as I usually do. I need not to be worrying about what I'm eating but just be aware and put good stuff in.
Grateful today for a sober day, a meeting, Val, symptoms easing, eating more, no more steroids, warm safe bed, not being alone.
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